Depression

Before I start this post, I thought it might be a good idea to put a definition of depression. I've been really into definitions lately.

Depression - a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.

to make sad or gloomy; lower in spirits; deject; dispirit.

On Wednesday (5-2-2012) I woke up and about 2 hours later I had somehow become really depressed. There wasn't really anything to set it off. I guess I was just thinking about a lot of stuff, and it made me sad.

Depression isn't new to me. I've struggled with it most of my life. When I was a lot younger, I had a lot more problems. It's gotten much better as I've gotten older. I haven't had to deal with it a lot for the past couple years.

I wouldn't say I've ever been severely depressed. I've known people who had it a lot worse than me. Depression has never caused me to consider suicide, self-harm, drinking, drugs, etc. Its never made me want to completely shut the world out. I've never done anything crazy. But that probably has a lot to do with the fact that anytime I've ever been depressed, I dealt with it immediately.

When I was little and used to become depressed, my mom would notice and would take me to a counselor. My depression then was mostly caused by over worrying about everything. As I got older, I somehow developed a habit of not telling anyone anything. I still have this habit. There are a few people who I tell some things to, but there's still a lot I keep inside. This has meant that when I do become depressed, I have to deal with it myself. I don't tell anyone what's wrong, and people don't notice because I've become so good at hiding it. This brings me to my second way of dealing with it. (The first was my mom taking me to a counselor.)

Before I go on, I just want to add that I feel like this is going to be a really long post. I'm only about halfway through with the backstory. I haven't even started on what happened more recently. But this is just me. When I have something to say, writing is my favorite way to say it. When I write, I just keep writing and writing and writing. I say whatever comes to mind. I'm nothing like this in real life. The reason being, I can always erase what I write, but not what I say. Anyway, back to the topic of this post.

The second way of dealing with depression is Jesus. Jesus has always been there for me. If it wasn't for Him, I know I wouldn't be here today. He has saved my life many times. When it feels like no one is there for me, I know I can always turn to Him.

So. Back to Wednesday. I believe I know what the major point of my depression was. I got to thinking, and when that happens, it doesn't normally turn out good for me. I've always had this idea in my mind that I have to be perfect in everything I do. I don't know why I'm like this, but I am. So on Wednesday it hit me that I wasn't even close to perfect. Now, I know nobody is perfect. But I try to be. The thing that really put me over the edge was thinking about school.

When it comes to school, things get complicated. I'm really good at school. I just don't like doing it. I don't know why. I'm a junior this year. That means I'm almost a senior in high school. I'm going to have to start getting ready for college. Honestly, the thought of that scares the crap out of me. Growing up used to sound so exciting, but now that it's so close, I don't feel ready. That's what scared me.

I want to go to Lee, but the only way I can do that is if I get a full academic scholarship. That's a 31 on my ACT. I have a 26 right now. (or at least until my latest score comes in) That sounds good to most people, but it's not a 31, so I'm not happy with it. If I don't get a 31, I can't go to Lee. Then I don't know what I'll do.

I've had myself convinced that I could get that 31. Recently I was talking with my friends, and they were telling me about all these people they knew who only had like 10's, 12's, 16's, etc. to them, anything over a 20 is great. If most people can barely get over a 20, what makes me think I can get a 31? Maybe it's not as easy as I always thought it would be.

So that started making me depressed. Then, like all depressed people, every negative thing I've ever been told or thought about myself starts coming to mind. And I believe all these things. The truth is, most of them are true. But that doesn't define who I am. We all have problems. Areas in our life that aren't as good as we would like them to be, or as they should be. But that doesn't mean we are all bad people, or failures.

We are all able to receive grace from a loving God. He makes us new. Through Jesus, we have freedom from the bondages of sin and failure. He loves us no matter what. This is what we have to hold on to when we have bad days.

Now, towards the end this post was probably starting to seem scattered. That's mostly due to the fact that I wrote this over a period of 3 days. It's also because I just typed as I thought, and I'm too lazy to read over it and make sense of it.

So there you have. Sorry if it's too long for you. But I didn't write it for you. I wrote it for me. Honestly, I feel so much better now that I've got it all out.

Peace and Love to you all,
Sierra Rose <3