Tonight, God was revealing to me a very long list of things that I need to blog about. I'm not going to do it all right now, but I have a lot of things planned to say.
As I was writing down this list of topics so I wouldn't forget, a thought came to mind. "What do I want my blog to accomplish? What do I want it to say? Who do I want it to reach?" So I added that as a topic. I put it down as "my hope for my blog."
Basically, I want it to serve 2 simple purposes. To help me, and to help others.
It helps me because writing calms me down, and it puts things into perspective. I'm a thinker, and my thoughts often get all jumbled up. When I write things down, it clears my mind because I know that it's written down so I don't have to try so hard to remember it.
I'm hoping that it will somehow help others. I'm one of those people that has a lot to say, but I'm not very good at talking. My thoughts get jumbled and my words don't come out right, and when I talk I speak really fast so it's hard for people to understand me. I also don't really like the sound of my voice. The newest addition to my list of excuses for not saying things is my braces. Talking for long periods of time can be really uncomfortable for my mouth. Writing is my way to share things that I hope can help people. I've often considered writing a book at some point in my life. I hated writing as a child, but I love it now, as an adult ;)
I know that not a lot of my previous posts are going to be very helpful to people. They don't all have a lot of good advice in them. There actually is a reason for that. The original purpose for my blog was to be like a journal for me to vent. But now I think I want it to change course.
I considered just starting a new blog that would just be all advice, and keeping this one more personal. I also considered just deleting all the posts that weren't helpful. In the end, I've decided to just keep it as it is. I'm going to be writing a lot more helpful things, but I'm still going to write personal things as well. It's going to be a mixture of both.
I hope this helps to inform people of the new direction that my blog will go. I'm excited about it. I hope to be writing posts a lot more often in the near future.
Have a happy day, and be blessed <3
Friday, December 14, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
The Truth About Becoming An "Adult"
Lets start this post with a question.
"What should I expect when turning 18?"
And now I'll answer it.
Nothing. Seriously. Don't expect anything. You'll only be disappointed if you do. I'm not saying that you shouldn't expect some type of feeling inside of you that makes you realize you are now a legal adult. I'm not saying that you shouldn't expect to suddenly feel older. Obviously, you've had enough birthdays by now to know that's not how it works.
What I AM saying, is don't expect your big day to be perfect. Don't expect people to care, or to remember. Don't expect anyone to tell you happy birthday. Don't expect anyone to give you present. Don't wait up for your phone to blow up at midnight, with all of your "friends" calling, texting, writing in your wall, tweeting, etc. in attempt to be the first to say "Happy Birthday."
It's not like none of that will happen. Some of it will. Chances are, at least one person will remember your birthday without being reminded. Wait, I take that back. I'm pretty sure no one "remembered" my birthday. But maybe you'll be luckier than me. Moving on, you will probably receive at least one present. It just might not be what you wanted. ESPECIALLY if your birthday is in December. I almost always have to wait until Christmas to get my real present. Someone will tell you "Happy Birthday." If you're a seriously hated person, then just tell yourself. The midnight part? Yeah. This is the first time in like a decade that no one has told me happy birthday right at midnight. I'm not kidding. It took until about 1, and that was just because someone noticed I told myself happy birthday on Instagram. Oh, and your day will definitely not be perfect.
(Warning-the next few paragraphs are really long and kinda boring.)
Moving on from the depressing truth, lets talk about my "big day." For starters, it just happened to be on 12/12/12. I THOUGHT that would make it more exciting. It didn't. It just made me more depressed. More "friends" posted or talked about the date than my birthday. I know from experience with past birthdays that I pretty much have the worst birthday luck ever. My birthdays always suck. But hey, that's just part of a December birthday. So I definitely wasn't "expecting" a good day, but I was hoping for one. There's all the background. Now for the breakdown of my day.
-I already talked about how no one was rushing to tell me happy birthday. I was at least expecting that, but only because its been normal for me for the past 10 years.
-I woke up with a sore throat. That wasn't surprising, because I've had this annoying cold for 2 weeks. It really needs to go on somewhere. But I had some oolong tea (my current favorite tea) and it felt a little better.
-I had an important meeting with a lady about a babysitting job that I really didn't want to be late for. My car was having problems the day before, so I first tried the extra car. It was making weird noises and doing weird things, so I didn't want to risk it. I now know that it's like an idle problem or something. Drivable, but it needs to be fixed. Next, I tried my car. It immediately started pouring a ton of smoke out of the back, and continued to do so for a few minutes until I turned the car off. No way I was going anywhere with that problem. My dad checked it out, and he's not exactly sure what's wrong, but it's definitely NOT drivable until its fixed. Both of my parents had their cars and were at work, my brother had his car because he was at an "end-of-the-world" party/sleepover. I couldn't take my sisters car because she had to start her first job an hour after I left. Our other extra car is currently not registered because we thought we were gonna sell it, but we just decided a few days ago that we don't want to. I also didn't have a key to it. If I covered it all, and you kept track, that's SEVEN CARS. SEVEN cars, and I don't have transportation. But thank God my grandparents live next door, and they never go anywhere. I was able to borrow their car.
-I had my meeting, and it went well. I was only a couple minutes late.
-After my meeting, which took forever, I paid two loans for my mom, and got a Green Tea Frappuccino Blended Creme. I love green tea, but it really wasn't all that good. The best way I can think to describe it is too much green, not enough tea. It doesn't make sense, but it's what it tasted like. For some reason, my Starbucks card was being mean and didn't use my free birthday drink. Oh well. I had enough money on my gift card to pay for it, and I think the free birthday drink will work next time I go.
-After all this excitement of a morning, I got home around noon. I was home by myself for about 2 hours or so until my brother came home. I spent that time doing what I love. I did my hair and make-up.
-When my sister got home, about a half hour after my brother, I talked to my crazy grandma on the phone, we watched TV together for a little bit, and I decided to finally eat something. I had a hot dog with some cheese. Bread is difficult with braces. Speaking of braces, now would be a good time to mention that I got braces about 3 weeks before my birthday.
-Around 4:30 my sister got a call from a friend. There was an emergency and she had to go babysit. I also got the mail at this time, which contained a birthday card from my Aunt.
-A few minutes later my mom came home with birthday presents. Yea! The fun part of birthdays! I got nail polish, which I was super excited about, and a BUNCH of clothes. I also got 2 pairs of earrings and a new flower for my hair :)
-After looking at all my presents and trying the clothes on, me and my mom went to Walmart to buy paper plates and plastic forks.
-We came home and I brushed my teeth and got ready for church. I changed clothes 4 times before deciding on the perfect outfit.
-My dad got home from work at 6:15, with more presents. Yea! I got an external hard drive. It doesn't sound exciting, but it's one of the things I asked for. I have a REALLY old laptop that is seriously going to die completely any day now. I haven't used it in months because I'm scared it will die and wipe out my memory before I can transfer all of my pictures. I'll be really happy when I can get them all safely to an external hard drive. My moms really old laptop erased all of our pictures from like the last 4 years of our life a few weeks ago. There are duplicates of some of those pictures on my laptop.
-I went to church to get everything ready for my cake right after quickly opening my present and saying thanks. I also got to see my best friend, who I haven't seen in a few weeks. Or maybe it's a few months. I don't remember. Anyway, I was happy to see her. Since she used to go to my church, everyone else was happy to see her too. Several people were happier to see her than they were to see me.
-After worship, all the youth spent about 10 minutes taking pictures of my amazing cake, and I'm pretty sure I was asked 5,000 times who made it. People seriously need to listen better. That reminds me of something else. I thought people would be excited about my cake AND my birthday, but no. EVERYONE was SUPER excited about my cake. Like I said, they spent 10 minutes taking pictures of it and asking questions about it. Only a few people bothered to say happy birthday. To those who did, and who said it because they really meant it and they actually care about ME, thank you. You know who you are, and I know who you are.
-After cake, we prayed for a college intern who is graduating college and leaving us in a few days to move back home. Meanie. :( now everyone is sad. But seriously, we are really sad that he's leaving.
-When church was over, I took a friend home. S/O to this friend, because I'm pretty sure she's the only one who ever reads my blog. I love you, beautiful.
-To end this extremely uneventful day, I went to a Super Team meeting, where we watched Elf and did Mad Libs, which we quit pretty quickly, because it got really awkward...rarely does something become so awkward that it becomes a problem at a Super Team meeting. Oh well. That was probably the highlight of my day.
-I then came home and opened a few presents from my friends, and spammed Instagram with pictures of the presents. I loved them all <3
-I got ready for bed, and now I've been writing this post for about the past hour.
So there you have it. The very detailed 24 hours that make up my 18th birthday. I knew before it came that I shouldn't expect anything. The problem with expecting, is when things don't meet your high expectations, you're disappointed. While I really did try to not have expectations about anything, I did have a few things that I was hoping for. Not many, but a few.
1. I have been asking for a surprise party for over 2 years. I knew a surprise party on a Wednesday in December would be difficult, but I was really hoping for it.
2. Like I mentioned earlier, my laptop seriously needs to go to the laptop graveyard. This means that I REALLY need a new laptop, especially since I'm starting college in about a year. I feel bad for always having to borrow my brothers laptop when I go somewhere. It's bad enough that I have his desktop set up in my room to use. I've been asking for a laptop for a year. I was hoping that more than anything I would get one.
3. I definitely wasn't EXPECTING it, but I was HOPING for a lot more people to wish me a happy birthday.
I have seriously been thinking about just removing all the people who didn't tell me Happy Birthday from my friends list. But, I know that's a little extreme. Not everyone can be as good with remembering birthdays as me.
I've noticed that I've started to develop a serious anger issue lately. But the scary thing is that I've become pretty good at hiding it. I can hide anger, depression, and fear all behind a smile. That's just a little side note for you.
On a scale of 1-10, 10 being perfect, i would rate my birthday at about a 4.5. In the interest of my trying to learn to trust people, I'm going to be honest here. I feel like I could cry right now, simply out of the selfishness of me not being happy with the way my birthday turned out.
I know this whole post sounds extremely dramatic and makes me seem selfish and ungrateful. I'm really not that ungrateful. I know God has greatly blessed me in many ways, and I'm so thankful for it. But...
...it's my birthday and I'll complain if I want to.
"What should I expect when turning 18?"
And now I'll answer it.
Nothing. Seriously. Don't expect anything. You'll only be disappointed if you do. I'm not saying that you shouldn't expect some type of feeling inside of you that makes you realize you are now a legal adult. I'm not saying that you shouldn't expect to suddenly feel older. Obviously, you've had enough birthdays by now to know that's not how it works.
What I AM saying, is don't expect your big day to be perfect. Don't expect people to care, or to remember. Don't expect anyone to tell you happy birthday. Don't expect anyone to give you present. Don't wait up for your phone to blow up at midnight, with all of your "friends" calling, texting, writing in your wall, tweeting, etc. in attempt to be the first to say "Happy Birthday."
It's not like none of that will happen. Some of it will. Chances are, at least one person will remember your birthday without being reminded. Wait, I take that back. I'm pretty sure no one "remembered" my birthday. But maybe you'll be luckier than me. Moving on, you will probably receive at least one present. It just might not be what you wanted. ESPECIALLY if your birthday is in December. I almost always have to wait until Christmas to get my real present. Someone will tell you "Happy Birthday." If you're a seriously hated person, then just tell yourself. The midnight part? Yeah. This is the first time in like a decade that no one has told me happy birthday right at midnight. I'm not kidding. It took until about 1, and that was just because someone noticed I told myself happy birthday on Instagram. Oh, and your day will definitely not be perfect.
(Warning-the next few paragraphs are really long and kinda boring.)
Moving on from the depressing truth, lets talk about my "big day." For starters, it just happened to be on 12/12/12. I THOUGHT that would make it more exciting. It didn't. It just made me more depressed. More "friends" posted or talked about the date than my birthday. I know from experience with past birthdays that I pretty much have the worst birthday luck ever. My birthdays always suck. But hey, that's just part of a December birthday. So I definitely wasn't "expecting" a good day, but I was hoping for one. There's all the background. Now for the breakdown of my day.
-I already talked about how no one was rushing to tell me happy birthday. I was at least expecting that, but only because its been normal for me for the past 10 years.
-I woke up with a sore throat. That wasn't surprising, because I've had this annoying cold for 2 weeks. It really needs to go on somewhere. But I had some oolong tea (my current favorite tea) and it felt a little better.
-I had an important meeting with a lady about a babysitting job that I really didn't want to be late for. My car was having problems the day before, so I first tried the extra car. It was making weird noises and doing weird things, so I didn't want to risk it. I now know that it's like an idle problem or something. Drivable, but it needs to be fixed. Next, I tried my car. It immediately started pouring a ton of smoke out of the back, and continued to do so for a few minutes until I turned the car off. No way I was going anywhere with that problem. My dad checked it out, and he's not exactly sure what's wrong, but it's definitely NOT drivable until its fixed. Both of my parents had their cars and were at work, my brother had his car because he was at an "end-of-the-world" party/sleepover. I couldn't take my sisters car because she had to start her first job an hour after I left. Our other extra car is currently not registered because we thought we were gonna sell it, but we just decided a few days ago that we don't want to. I also didn't have a key to it. If I covered it all, and you kept track, that's SEVEN CARS. SEVEN cars, and I don't have transportation. But thank God my grandparents live next door, and they never go anywhere. I was able to borrow their car.
-I had my meeting, and it went well. I was only a couple minutes late.
-After my meeting, which took forever, I paid two loans for my mom, and got a Green Tea Frappuccino Blended Creme. I love green tea, but it really wasn't all that good. The best way I can think to describe it is too much green, not enough tea. It doesn't make sense, but it's what it tasted like. For some reason, my Starbucks card was being mean and didn't use my free birthday drink. Oh well. I had enough money on my gift card to pay for it, and I think the free birthday drink will work next time I go.
-After all this excitement of a morning, I got home around noon. I was home by myself for about 2 hours or so until my brother came home. I spent that time doing what I love. I did my hair and make-up.
-When my sister got home, about a half hour after my brother, I talked to my crazy grandma on the phone, we watched TV together for a little bit, and I decided to finally eat something. I had a hot dog with some cheese. Bread is difficult with braces. Speaking of braces, now would be a good time to mention that I got braces about 3 weeks before my birthday.
-Around 4:30 my sister got a call from a friend. There was an emergency and she had to go babysit. I also got the mail at this time, which contained a birthday card from my Aunt.
-A few minutes later my mom came home with birthday presents. Yea! The fun part of birthdays! I got nail polish, which I was super excited about, and a BUNCH of clothes. I also got 2 pairs of earrings and a new flower for my hair :)
-After looking at all my presents and trying the clothes on, me and my mom went to Walmart to buy paper plates and plastic forks.
-We came home and I brushed my teeth and got ready for church. I changed clothes 4 times before deciding on the perfect outfit.
-My dad got home from work at 6:15, with more presents. Yea! I got an external hard drive. It doesn't sound exciting, but it's one of the things I asked for. I have a REALLY old laptop that is seriously going to die completely any day now. I haven't used it in months because I'm scared it will die and wipe out my memory before I can transfer all of my pictures. I'll be really happy when I can get them all safely to an external hard drive. My moms really old laptop erased all of our pictures from like the last 4 years of our life a few weeks ago. There are duplicates of some of those pictures on my laptop.
-I went to church to get everything ready for my cake right after quickly opening my present and saying thanks. I also got to see my best friend, who I haven't seen in a few weeks. Or maybe it's a few months. I don't remember. Anyway, I was happy to see her. Since she used to go to my church, everyone else was happy to see her too. Several people were happier to see her than they were to see me.
-After worship, all the youth spent about 10 minutes taking pictures of my amazing cake, and I'm pretty sure I was asked 5,000 times who made it. People seriously need to listen better. That reminds me of something else. I thought people would be excited about my cake AND my birthday, but no. EVERYONE was SUPER excited about my cake. Like I said, they spent 10 minutes taking pictures of it and asking questions about it. Only a few people bothered to say happy birthday. To those who did, and who said it because they really meant it and they actually care about ME, thank you. You know who you are, and I know who you are.
-After cake, we prayed for a college intern who is graduating college and leaving us in a few days to move back home. Meanie. :( now everyone is sad. But seriously, we are really sad that he's leaving.
-When church was over, I took a friend home. S/O to this friend, because I'm pretty sure she's the only one who ever reads my blog. I love you, beautiful.
-To end this extremely uneventful day, I went to a Super Team meeting, where we watched Elf and did Mad Libs, which we quit pretty quickly, because it got really awkward...rarely does something become so awkward that it becomes a problem at a Super Team meeting. Oh well. That was probably the highlight of my day.
-I then came home and opened a few presents from my friends, and spammed Instagram with pictures of the presents. I loved them all <3
-I got ready for bed, and now I've been writing this post for about the past hour.
So there you have it. The very detailed 24 hours that make up my 18th birthday. I knew before it came that I shouldn't expect anything. The problem with expecting, is when things don't meet your high expectations, you're disappointed. While I really did try to not have expectations about anything, I did have a few things that I was hoping for. Not many, but a few.
1. I have been asking for a surprise party for over 2 years. I knew a surprise party on a Wednesday in December would be difficult, but I was really hoping for it.
2. Like I mentioned earlier, my laptop seriously needs to go to the laptop graveyard. This means that I REALLY need a new laptop, especially since I'm starting college in about a year. I feel bad for always having to borrow my brothers laptop when I go somewhere. It's bad enough that I have his desktop set up in my room to use. I've been asking for a laptop for a year. I was hoping that more than anything I would get one.
3. I definitely wasn't EXPECTING it, but I was HOPING for a lot more people to wish me a happy birthday.
I have seriously been thinking about just removing all the people who didn't tell me Happy Birthday from my friends list. But, I know that's a little extreme. Not everyone can be as good with remembering birthdays as me.
I've noticed that I've started to develop a serious anger issue lately. But the scary thing is that I've become pretty good at hiding it. I can hide anger, depression, and fear all behind a smile. That's just a little side note for you.
On a scale of 1-10, 10 being perfect, i would rate my birthday at about a 4.5. In the interest of my trying to learn to trust people, I'm going to be honest here. I feel like I could cry right now, simply out of the selfishness of me not being happy with the way my birthday turned out.
I know this whole post sounds extremely dramatic and makes me seem selfish and ungrateful. I'm really not that ungrateful. I know God has greatly blessed me in many ways, and I'm so thankful for it. But...
...it's my birthday and I'll complain if I want to.
Monday, December 3, 2012
What is wrong with humans?
Have you ever been surprised when God is faithful and answers your prayers, even though He's done it a thousand times before? Maybe I'm the only one.
I KNOW God never leaves me, and hears my every prayer. I know He answers my prayers. But somehow I'm surprised when He does anyway.
When He answers my prayers, it sometimes take me a little while to process that He did. Lately, I've had a LOT of things to cry out to God for. Trust, school, sickness, fear, sleep, etc. etc.
One big thing is that I have been feeling like a failure, and believing that no one like me. In Gods way, He has slowly shown me over the past couple days that I'm completely wrong. On Wednesday I was talking to a friend who was having a bad day. I was just trying to encourage her, but she ended up encouraging me more than she realizes. Yesterday, several people took the time to talk to me and see how I was doing. People that I wouldn't have expected. I got a hug from someone. A lot of people don't realize how much a simple hug can help. I got a text message from a friend I haven't talked to in a while. We had a nice long conversation. Today, I got a phone call from someone I didn't know. This lady got my number from the parent of someone I babysit. She's looking for a babysitter for her 1-year old daughter.
Does all this sound like things that would happen to someone who was hated by everyone, and who failed at everything? I don't think so. If I was such a failure at babysitting, people wouldn't be recommending me. If people didn't like me, they wouldn't be talking to me.
I still have a lot of prayers that haven't been answered yet, but I know that God is working things out in His own perfect timing. He has a perfect plan and a perfect order.
My title for this post probably doesn't make sense. Normally I do a lot of thinking on what the prefect title should be, but I don't have much time right now. The title is talking about how we forget that God is faithful. My post is only sort of talking about that. Oh well :)
I hope this can somehow encourage someone. God really does care, and He listens when we pray to Him. Just try it out. See what happens.
I KNOW God never leaves me, and hears my every prayer. I know He answers my prayers. But somehow I'm surprised when He does anyway.
When He answers my prayers, it sometimes take me a little while to process that He did. Lately, I've had a LOT of things to cry out to God for. Trust, school, sickness, fear, sleep, etc. etc.
One big thing is that I have been feeling like a failure, and believing that no one like me. In Gods way, He has slowly shown me over the past couple days that I'm completely wrong. On Wednesday I was talking to a friend who was having a bad day. I was just trying to encourage her, but she ended up encouraging me more than she realizes. Yesterday, several people took the time to talk to me and see how I was doing. People that I wouldn't have expected. I got a hug from someone. A lot of people don't realize how much a simple hug can help. I got a text message from a friend I haven't talked to in a while. We had a nice long conversation. Today, I got a phone call from someone I didn't know. This lady got my number from the parent of someone I babysit. She's looking for a babysitter for her 1-year old daughter.
Does all this sound like things that would happen to someone who was hated by everyone, and who failed at everything? I don't think so. If I was such a failure at babysitting, people wouldn't be recommending me. If people didn't like me, they wouldn't be talking to me.
I still have a lot of prayers that haven't been answered yet, but I know that God is working things out in His own perfect timing. He has a perfect plan and a perfect order.
My title for this post probably doesn't make sense. Normally I do a lot of thinking on what the prefect title should be, but I don't have much time right now. The title is talking about how we forget that God is faithful. My post is only sort of talking about that. Oh well :)
I hope this can somehow encourage someone. God really does care, and He listens when we pray to Him. Just try it out. See what happens.
Monday, November 12, 2012
What am I good at?
I really need to write. Let it all out.
The question is; What am I good at?
Obviously I'm no good at sports. Hand-eye coordination just isn't there for me. I like music and piano, but I'm not very good at it. I'm too shy to do any kind of drama or performing, including dancing, which I love. I'm not artistic at all. I'm really smart, (or so I've been told) but I'm horrible at school. I can't seem to keep friends for any period of time, and it takes me forever to make friends in the first place. I don't trust people, including myself. I let fear control way too much of me. I babysit and dogsit all the time, but every time I do, something goes wrong and I beat myself up about it for weeks. I've started a hundred different projects, but I don't finish anything.
I'm sure I could go on forever, but I'll stop there. At this point, my answer is nothing. I'm good at nothing. I'm not even good at being me.
The question is; What am I good at?
Obviously I'm no good at sports. Hand-eye coordination just isn't there for me. I like music and piano, but I'm not very good at it. I'm too shy to do any kind of drama or performing, including dancing, which I love. I'm not artistic at all. I'm really smart, (or so I've been told) but I'm horrible at school. I can't seem to keep friends for any period of time, and it takes me forever to make friends in the first place. I don't trust people, including myself. I let fear control way too much of me. I babysit and dogsit all the time, but every time I do, something goes wrong and I beat myself up about it for weeks. I've started a hundred different projects, but I don't finish anything.
I'm sure I could go on forever, but I'll stop there. At this point, my answer is nothing. I'm good at nothing. I'm not even good at being me.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Trust? What is that?
Right now I'm at Walmart getting an oil change and a tire fixed. I'm bored. So here's a blog post I've had on my mind for a few days.
Lets start with a definition.
Trust-to rely upon or place confidence in someone or something
Fact: I don't fully trust anyone. There are a few people that I trust a little bit, but the person I trust most in the would barely knows anything about me.
I don't trust people with my thoughts, feelings, or anything personal in general. I could trust someone to drive my car or use my phone, but anything involving emotion or words stays inside.
I don't know why I have such a trust issue. I don't know if not trusting anyone is an issue, but it seems like it should be. I feel like life would be easier to live if I had someone I could trust.
I'm so bad at this that I don't even know where to start to get to the point of trusting someone. I don't open up easily. I don't cry in front of people. It's like I'm pretending to be so strong and put together. I act like everything is perfect. And I hate it.
I don't want to be that person that is scared of showing feelings, but I am. I don't want to be someone who acts strong, but I do. I don't want to keep my thoughts hidden, but they are.
I want to change, but I can't. I don't know how. I don't know where to start. I don't know who to talk to.
I trust no one.
Lets start with a definition.
Trust-to rely upon or place confidence in someone or something
Fact: I don't fully trust anyone. There are a few people that I trust a little bit, but the person I trust most in the would barely knows anything about me.
I don't trust people with my thoughts, feelings, or anything personal in general. I could trust someone to drive my car or use my phone, but anything involving emotion or words stays inside.
I don't know why I have such a trust issue. I don't know if not trusting anyone is an issue, but it seems like it should be. I feel like life would be easier to live if I had someone I could trust.
I'm so bad at this that I don't even know where to start to get to the point of trusting someone. I don't open up easily. I don't cry in front of people. It's like I'm pretending to be so strong and put together. I act like everything is perfect. And I hate it.
I don't want to be that person that is scared of showing feelings, but I am. I don't want to be someone who acts strong, but I do. I don't want to keep my thoughts hidden, but they are.
I want to change, but I can't. I don't know how. I don't know where to start. I don't know who to talk to.
I trust no one.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Update on my life
So, I haven't blogged in a while. The reason mostly being that I've been busy. So here's a short post on how I've been. This may possibly be really long if I get talkative.
Since my last post, I've been doing much better. I've been happier and more positive about life. Things have really been going well. Sure, life is NO WHERE near perfect, but its better.
My mood kinda dropped to the floor when I got my ACT scores in, though. I kinda had a bit of a meltdown that day. Anyone who listens to me should know that the score I got on my last ACT would pretty much determine what I was gonna do for college. So, when I got them in and was extremely disappointed in myself, I tried to make my mood better by doing research on colleges and scholarships. Yeah, that didn't help at all. Basically, with the score I have now, I can't go to any good college without taking out a LOT of money in school loans. I don't know what I'm going to do.
I am going to take the ACT again the end of October. I could take it 3 more times after that, but I honestly don't know if I could do any better. The last time I took it, I really thought I did good. I was very confident that I gave it all I had and did my best. But my best wasn't good enough. How can I do any better than my best?
With that college drama, my mood is seriously like a roller coaster. I can be living life and as happy as can be, and then one second later remember that I have no idea what to do with my life and I'll be depressed the rest if the day.
Here's another thing that makes me depressed a LOT that I don't think I've shared yet. If I do go to college, I want to study to be a guidance counselor. Well, every time I get depressed about something, I think of that and wonder why I think I could ever help other people with life's problems if I can't even handle my own. That would kinda be like a hairdresser who can never get her own hair to look good. Would you let them do your hair? Why would anyone let me counsel them if my life is more than I can handle? It's not even like my life is as messed up as most people. I just can't handle much.
I know it probably sounds like I'm a brat who has no idea what it means to have a hard life. Maybe I have had a pretty easy life, but I know that. I know most people have things 1,000 times more important do deal with. But, it really helps me to write this stuff out. And things really have been better than my last post.
Hopefully next time I can write about something other than depression...I'm probably starting to sound like a broken record.
Oh, and I'm not going to bother reading through this to check for spelling and grammar errors. I'm sorry if there are any and they bother you.
Have a great day, and keep smiling, even if its fake. :)
Since my last post, I've been doing much better. I've been happier and more positive about life. Things have really been going well. Sure, life is NO WHERE near perfect, but its better.
My mood kinda dropped to the floor when I got my ACT scores in, though. I kinda had a bit of a meltdown that day. Anyone who listens to me should know that the score I got on my last ACT would pretty much determine what I was gonna do for college. So, when I got them in and was extremely disappointed in myself, I tried to make my mood better by doing research on colleges and scholarships. Yeah, that didn't help at all. Basically, with the score I have now, I can't go to any good college without taking out a LOT of money in school loans. I don't know what I'm going to do.
I am going to take the ACT again the end of October. I could take it 3 more times after that, but I honestly don't know if I could do any better. The last time I took it, I really thought I did good. I was very confident that I gave it all I had and did my best. But my best wasn't good enough. How can I do any better than my best?
With that college drama, my mood is seriously like a roller coaster. I can be living life and as happy as can be, and then one second later remember that I have no idea what to do with my life and I'll be depressed the rest if the day.
Here's another thing that makes me depressed a LOT that I don't think I've shared yet. If I do go to college, I want to study to be a guidance counselor. Well, every time I get depressed about something, I think of that and wonder why I think I could ever help other people with life's problems if I can't even handle my own. That would kinda be like a hairdresser who can never get her own hair to look good. Would you let them do your hair? Why would anyone let me counsel them if my life is more than I can handle? It's not even like my life is as messed up as most people. I just can't handle much.
I know it probably sounds like I'm a brat who has no idea what it means to have a hard life. Maybe I have had a pretty easy life, but I know that. I know most people have things 1,000 times more important do deal with. But, it really helps me to write this stuff out. And things really have been better than my last post.
Hopefully next time I can write about something other than depression...I'm probably starting to sound like a broken record.
Oh, and I'm not going to bother reading through this to check for spelling and grammar errors. I'm sorry if there are any and they bother you.
Have a great day, and keep smiling, even if its fake. :)
Monday, August 13, 2012
Does Anyone Really Know Me?
Why am I writing this post? I don't know. It's 2am, and I have to get up in 6 hours because I have to dog sit tomorrow. But I really feel like writing right now, so I'm just going to have to get over it.
Last night and all day today I got to hang out with my best friend. That was great. I really needed to spend some good time with her. So that part of my day was good. But, me being me, there were some bad parts about the day. I came to a few realizations. Some old things that I've realized a million times, but a couple new things.
First, today was one of those days where I was beating myself up inside all day for the stupid things I've done. I'm pretty sure everyone has days like this. So basically, half of the day I was just reminding myself that I'm a failure. But this isn't a new thing for me.
I also came to a realization about guys. I've learned recently that there ARE a few good guys out there. But the thing that I just realized today is that just because I meet a great guy, that does NOT mean he is the one for me. Other girls deserve great guys too. Obviously I knew I wasn't the only person who needed the "perfect guy," but for some reason I have always had the mind set that when I found a great guy, then he was great for me. I don't know why I think that. Maybe I watched to many Disney movies as a kid, and too many Hallmark movies as a teenager.
The big thing I realized today, and the reason for the title of this post, is that no one really knows me. Sure, my best friend knows a lot about me, and she knows most of who I am, but she doesn't know all of me. There are some things about my life that I haven't been able to tell anyone(except God. I don't know what I would do without Him). But no one else knows even half the stuff that my best friend knows. Very few people know anything about me other than surface stuff, like what my car looks like and what color my ceiling is. I'm not just talking about random people either. I'm talking about my "friends." But why doesn't anyone know anything about me? I know a lot about my friends. Their likes, dislikes, struggles, past, what they want to do with their future, etc. Why do I know so much about them, and they know nothing about me? For the most part, I'm pretty open with people that I know. It doesn't take much to get into a serious conversation with me. So I've come up with what I think is the answer. No one cares. Depressing, right? No one cares enough about me to ask who I am. To really ask, and to really want to know.
I just had a thought. I wonder if God ever feels this way? Like people aren't interested in getting to know who He really is. What's on His heart. What He has planned for your future. What He thinks of your past and the person you are today. Like no one cares enough to take the time and get to know more than "surface stuff." I know I can be that way. Like "Okay God. I know You're the Creator of the whole universe and You care about me. I've been told that You like to hear about my day and You want me to ask You to supply all of my needs, so here's my list for today. Thanks for blah blah and blah. You also like when people sing about You, so here are a couple songs I can sing along with that talk about how great You are." All of that may sound a little dumb, but surely some people can relate to that. I know I've done it. Maybe I'm the only one. Now, I'm not saying that anyone who has a relationship with God like what I just described is a horrible person and is going to Hell. But don't you like the relationship you have with your best friend more than the relationships with your regular friends? That closeness that can never be separated. Knowing everything about each other and enjoying spending time together. Isn't that much better than just kinda knowing and (for the most part) liking someone? I think it is. And imagine how much greater it is with God.
This post has totally turned from what it was originally going to say. It also took much longer to write than I thought it would. Tonight at youth someone was praying for me and asked if I was a writer. My response was "a little bit, sometimes." It's a very accurate response. I go through spurts with writing. Sometimes I absolutely love it and want to write all the time. Other times I hate it and don't want to write at all ever. But isn't it weird that she would ask that while I'm going through this time when I love to write? Writing really helps me to sort through my feelings. Just in writing this post I got a revelation about relationships with God. Maybe I should write more than I do.
To end this post I'll list a few small things I realized today, even though I already knew them.
1. I look really good with curly hair
2. The show "Lost" scares me half to death and I shouldn't watch it ever because once I start watching it I can't stop, so I get even more scared
3. My dog needs to learn to calm down in the middle of the night
4. My dad is a great chef and makes amazing fish tacos
5. My dad shouldn't go grocery shopping because he buys more food than we have space for in our 2 fridge's and 5 freezers
Last night and all day today I got to hang out with my best friend. That was great. I really needed to spend some good time with her. So that part of my day was good. But, me being me, there were some bad parts about the day. I came to a few realizations. Some old things that I've realized a million times, but a couple new things.
First, today was one of those days where I was beating myself up inside all day for the stupid things I've done. I'm pretty sure everyone has days like this. So basically, half of the day I was just reminding myself that I'm a failure. But this isn't a new thing for me.
I also came to a realization about guys. I've learned recently that there ARE a few good guys out there. But the thing that I just realized today is that just because I meet a great guy, that does NOT mean he is the one for me. Other girls deserve great guys too. Obviously I knew I wasn't the only person who needed the "perfect guy," but for some reason I have always had the mind set that when I found a great guy, then he was great for me. I don't know why I think that. Maybe I watched to many Disney movies as a kid, and too many Hallmark movies as a teenager.
The big thing I realized today, and the reason for the title of this post, is that no one really knows me. Sure, my best friend knows a lot about me, and she knows most of who I am, but she doesn't know all of me. There are some things about my life that I haven't been able to tell anyone(except God. I don't know what I would do without Him). But no one else knows even half the stuff that my best friend knows. Very few people know anything about me other than surface stuff, like what my car looks like and what color my ceiling is. I'm not just talking about random people either. I'm talking about my "friends." But why doesn't anyone know anything about me? I know a lot about my friends. Their likes, dislikes, struggles, past, what they want to do with their future, etc. Why do I know so much about them, and they know nothing about me? For the most part, I'm pretty open with people that I know. It doesn't take much to get into a serious conversation with me. So I've come up with what I think is the answer. No one cares. Depressing, right? No one cares enough about me to ask who I am. To really ask, and to really want to know.
I just had a thought. I wonder if God ever feels this way? Like people aren't interested in getting to know who He really is. What's on His heart. What He has planned for your future. What He thinks of your past and the person you are today. Like no one cares enough to take the time and get to know more than "surface stuff." I know I can be that way. Like "Okay God. I know You're the Creator of the whole universe and You care about me. I've been told that You like to hear about my day and You want me to ask You to supply all of my needs, so here's my list for today. Thanks for blah blah and blah. You also like when people sing about You, so here are a couple songs I can sing along with that talk about how great You are." All of that may sound a little dumb, but surely some people can relate to that. I know I've done it. Maybe I'm the only one. Now, I'm not saying that anyone who has a relationship with God like what I just described is a horrible person and is going to Hell. But don't you like the relationship you have with your best friend more than the relationships with your regular friends? That closeness that can never be separated. Knowing everything about each other and enjoying spending time together. Isn't that much better than just kinda knowing and (for the most part) liking someone? I think it is. And imagine how much greater it is with God.
This post has totally turned from what it was originally going to say. It also took much longer to write than I thought it would. Tonight at youth someone was praying for me and asked if I was a writer. My response was "a little bit, sometimes." It's a very accurate response. I go through spurts with writing. Sometimes I absolutely love it and want to write all the time. Other times I hate it and don't want to write at all ever. But isn't it weird that she would ask that while I'm going through this time when I love to write? Writing really helps me to sort through my feelings. Just in writing this post I got a revelation about relationships with God. Maybe I should write more than I do.
To end this post I'll list a few small things I realized today, even though I already knew them.
1. I look really good with curly hair
2. The show "Lost" scares me half to death and I shouldn't watch it ever because once I start watching it I can't stop, so I get even more scared
3. My dog needs to learn to calm down in the middle of the night
4. My dad is a great chef and makes amazing fish tacos
5. My dad shouldn't go grocery shopping because he buys more food than we have space for in our 2 fridge's and 5 freezers
Thursday, August 9, 2012
"No One Loves Me"
I feel like I should update my blog now, even though it doesn't really matter because I know that no one reads it. But that's okay. Other than Instagram, this is the only online place I have to say anything. So I'm writing because I have to write something somewhere.
Since hitting rock bottom last week, I've been doing much better. I'm nowhere near where I need to be or where I want to be, but I'm better. I really believe deleting Facebook and Twitter was a great idea. I've considered deleting them before, but I could always find a million reasons why I "couldn't." This time, though, I didn't give myself time to come up with any reasons. I just knew I wanted them gone, and gone they were.
I have made a list of very large goals that I must achieve if I ever want Facebook and Twitter back. These goals cover every area of life-education, health, life, relationship, God, etc. I'm striving towards these goals whether I get them back or not. I've had them in the back of my mind for a loooong time, but I never really gave an effort towards achieving them. Now I've been slowly working towards all of them, while still trying to find other distractions to remove from my life.
Now, as for the title of this post. I decided on it because it's something I've heard a lot from people lately. Let me enlighten all (none) of you with some truth here-there ARE people who love you. Lots of people. I promise. I know that it sometimes may seem like we have no one who really cares about us, but trust me, someone somewhere loves you very much, and in 99.9% of cases, there are an over abundance of someones. I don't really have the answer for why it sometimes really does feel like no one loves us. Maybe someday I will have that answer. Or at the very least a theory. I seem to be pretty good a coming up with theories about stuff. But right now, I really don't know, as I am in the place where it seems like no one loves me. No one cares.
I hope to write again soon, but I really don't know when I will write again. I can only write when I'm in a writing mood, and those come and go like the storms we've been having lately around here. If it wasn't 1AM I can think of several topics to write on right now. But I'm not going to write about all of them. I MIGHT end up writing one. But I think I'll just go to bed, or read a book. If anyone is reading this, then adios bye and God Bless You.
Since hitting rock bottom last week, I've been doing much better. I'm nowhere near where I need to be or where I want to be, but I'm better. I really believe deleting Facebook and Twitter was a great idea. I've considered deleting them before, but I could always find a million reasons why I "couldn't." This time, though, I didn't give myself time to come up with any reasons. I just knew I wanted them gone, and gone they were.
I have made a list of very large goals that I must achieve if I ever want Facebook and Twitter back. These goals cover every area of life-education, health, life, relationship, God, etc. I'm striving towards these goals whether I get them back or not. I've had them in the back of my mind for a loooong time, but I never really gave an effort towards achieving them. Now I've been slowly working towards all of them, while still trying to find other distractions to remove from my life.
Now, as for the title of this post. I decided on it because it's something I've heard a lot from people lately. Let me enlighten all (none) of you with some truth here-there ARE people who love you. Lots of people. I promise. I know that it sometimes may seem like we have no one who really cares about us, but trust me, someone somewhere loves you very much, and in 99.9% of cases, there are an over abundance of someones. I don't really have the answer for why it sometimes really does feel like no one loves us. Maybe someday I will have that answer. Or at the very least a theory. I seem to be pretty good a coming up with theories about stuff. But right now, I really don't know, as I am in the place where it seems like no one loves me. No one cares.
I hope to write again soon, but I really don't know when I will write again. I can only write when I'm in a writing mood, and those come and go like the storms we've been having lately around here. If it wasn't 1AM I can think of several topics to write on right now. But I'm not going to write about all of them. I MIGHT end up writing one. But I think I'll just go to bed, or read a book. If anyone is reading this, then adios bye and God Bless You.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Sometimes it's too hard to smile...
In the past hour I have deleted Facebook and Twitter. I'm not really dealing with it all that well. I did it because I knew I had too. It's time for a change.
Since I've been home from Mexico I have been dealing with depression. I've had depression on and off since I was about 7, so this is nothing new to me. I don't really think there was anything in Mexico that has made me depressed, and me not being in Mexico isn't the reason I'm depressed, even though that's what I've been saying. While it is true that I do really miss Mexico and want to go back, there's a lot more going on.
Any time I get depressed it seems like everything gets thrown at me all at once. I've had problems with friends, school, family, and my relationship with God all at once this past week. All of these things have been personal issue. Not things everyone else has to deal with. They're all things I have to deal with on my own. All of my friendships, except one, have fallen apart. School has been stressing me out an insane amount because I don't believe in myself and I don't think I can do it. I haven't been close to my family in a while because I feel like they don't understand me, and because they just haven't been around much. It's just all about work for everyone.
And now for the big one. My relationship with God. I wouldn't say it's gotten a lot worse and I feel farther from him than I ever have before. I think it's more that now I know what I could have with Him, but for some reason I don't. I don't understand why either. I honestly have no idea why everyone around me seems to be closer to God than I am. It makes me feel farther away from Him.
All of this, plus a few other small things, led me to my decision to delete Facebook and Twitter. They aren't helping me in any way. If anything, they are making things worse.
Tonight at Youth I just got to the point where I honestly couldn't even force myself to smile. I managed to smile a few times just so people wouldn't be concerned, but it took all of my energy and now I am emotionally and mentally exhausted. I've already cried some since I've been home, and I'll probably cry some more.
I'm going to use this time away from the world to be in God's presence, and I plan to stay there until I am no longer depressed at all. I will probably update my blog a lot more often during this time. So goodbye for now.
Since I've been home from Mexico I have been dealing with depression. I've had depression on and off since I was about 7, so this is nothing new to me. I don't really think there was anything in Mexico that has made me depressed, and me not being in Mexico isn't the reason I'm depressed, even though that's what I've been saying. While it is true that I do really miss Mexico and want to go back, there's a lot more going on.
Any time I get depressed it seems like everything gets thrown at me all at once. I've had problems with friends, school, family, and my relationship with God all at once this past week. All of these things have been personal issue. Not things everyone else has to deal with. They're all things I have to deal with on my own. All of my friendships, except one, have fallen apart. School has been stressing me out an insane amount because I don't believe in myself and I don't think I can do it. I haven't been close to my family in a while because I feel like they don't understand me, and because they just haven't been around much. It's just all about work for everyone.
And now for the big one. My relationship with God. I wouldn't say it's gotten a lot worse and I feel farther from him than I ever have before. I think it's more that now I know what I could have with Him, but for some reason I don't. I don't understand why either. I honestly have no idea why everyone around me seems to be closer to God than I am. It makes me feel farther away from Him.
All of this, plus a few other small things, led me to my decision to delete Facebook and Twitter. They aren't helping me in any way. If anything, they are making things worse.
Tonight at Youth I just got to the point where I honestly couldn't even force myself to smile. I managed to smile a few times just so people wouldn't be concerned, but it took all of my energy and now I am emotionally and mentally exhausted. I've already cried some since I've been home, and I'll probably cry some more.
I'm going to use this time away from the world to be in God's presence, and I plan to stay there until I am no longer depressed at all. I will probably update my blog a lot more often during this time. So goodbye for now.
Friday, July 27, 2012
You have stolen my heart...
So I recently got back from a mission trip to Mexico. It wasn't my first mission trip, or my first time put of the country, or my first time on a plane. It was my first time doing all of these things together.
I don't know if I could find the words to describe this trip. It was so amazing. I loved every part of it. Some of the bathrooms weren't so great, but that doesn't matter. We're too spoiled in America anyway.
I'm not quite sure how to write this post, but I know that I have to. I think I'll just list some of the major things that were so much better in Ixmiquilpan than they are in America.
-The people. Yes, there were some people who weren't as nice as others, and there are people in America who are really nice. But the hearts of the people there are like nothing I've ever experienced. They love you no matter what, and are willing to do anything for you.
-The weather. Sure, there are places in America where there is nice weather. But here in Cleveland, TN, the weather is awful right now. Hot and humid all day and night. Down there, I think I sweat like once, and that was when I got into a hot car. I was also rarely cold.
-The driving. Sure, driving laws are nice and helpful and they keep people safe, but riding in the back of a truck whenever and wherever was absolutely incredible. The view is much better too.
-God's presence. I don't know what it was, but the presence of God seemed so much stronger there. Maybe it's just because America, even in church, is so caught up on worldly things that we sometimes miss when God shows up.
-"Mexico Time." in Mexico, being on time is never important. In America, being on time is extremely important. I'm one of those people that tries to be on time, but I usually fail at it. So being in a place where no one cared if you were a few hours late was a nice change :)
-The view. I know in Tennessee we have pretty mountains, but to me, Ixmiquilpan is waaaay prettier. Everywhere you look there is an incredible view. The pictures can't even begin to show how beautiful it is.
I think I covered most of it. That's all the stuff about Mexico. My other favorite part was getting to know all of the people who I went with. There are a countless number of inside jokes that we all have now. Mexico and the people there have stolen most of my heart, but the people who I came back with have each taken a piece of what's remaining, and I have found it to be very difficult to be away from them.
Being home hasn't been much fun. I've been so used to having people around at all times, but right now I'm all alone.
Most of my family is working, and my sister took my car and has been gone all day. Even when they are here it's not the same. They haven't experienced everything I have, and it's hard because they don't understand. None of my family has the same heart for missions that I do. I know that there is nothing wrong with that. Not everyone is supposed to be a missionary. They each have their own special gifts and talents, and they do a great job of using them in America. But I don't. I'm one of those people that gets too comfortable and doesn't want to do anything. I was so much better in
Mexico.
All I want to do is anything that will get me back there. Work to save money, practice Spanish, spend more time getting to know God so I can learn to listen to His voice better. And do school. I know that if I don't graduate high school and get accepted into a college by next summer, I won't be able go. I still want to get a degree in counseling.
I think that's everything. Now I am going to try and force myself to get something done. I still have to unpack and clean my room. I should also eat at some point today. The last meal I had was yesterday afternoon at 1. Bye guys. There's no telling when I will post again.
I don't know if I could find the words to describe this trip. It was so amazing. I loved every part of it. Some of the bathrooms weren't so great, but that doesn't matter. We're too spoiled in America anyway.
I'm not quite sure how to write this post, but I know that I have to. I think I'll just list some of the major things that were so much better in Ixmiquilpan than they are in America.
-The people. Yes, there were some people who weren't as nice as others, and there are people in America who are really nice. But the hearts of the people there are like nothing I've ever experienced. They love you no matter what, and are willing to do anything for you.
-The weather. Sure, there are places in America where there is nice weather. But here in Cleveland, TN, the weather is awful right now. Hot and humid all day and night. Down there, I think I sweat like once, and that was when I got into a hot car. I was also rarely cold.
-The driving. Sure, driving laws are nice and helpful and they keep people safe, but riding in the back of a truck whenever and wherever was absolutely incredible. The view is much better too.
-God's presence. I don't know what it was, but the presence of God seemed so much stronger there. Maybe it's just because America, even in church, is so caught up on worldly things that we sometimes miss when God shows up.
-"Mexico Time." in Mexico, being on time is never important. In America, being on time is extremely important. I'm one of those people that tries to be on time, but I usually fail at it. So being in a place where no one cared if you were a few hours late was a nice change :)
-The view. I know in Tennessee we have pretty mountains, but to me, Ixmiquilpan is waaaay prettier. Everywhere you look there is an incredible view. The pictures can't even begin to show how beautiful it is.
I think I covered most of it. That's all the stuff about Mexico. My other favorite part was getting to know all of the people who I went with. There are a countless number of inside jokes that we all have now. Mexico and the people there have stolen most of my heart, but the people who I came back with have each taken a piece of what's remaining, and I have found it to be very difficult to be away from them.
Being home hasn't been much fun. I've been so used to having people around at all times, but right now I'm all alone.
Most of my family is working, and my sister took my car and has been gone all day. Even when they are here it's not the same. They haven't experienced everything I have, and it's hard because they don't understand. None of my family has the same heart for missions that I do. I know that there is nothing wrong with that. Not everyone is supposed to be a missionary. They each have their own special gifts and talents, and they do a great job of using them in America. But I don't. I'm one of those people that gets too comfortable and doesn't want to do anything. I was so much better in
Mexico.
All I want to do is anything that will get me back there. Work to save money, practice Spanish, spend more time getting to know God so I can learn to listen to His voice better. And do school. I know that if I don't graduate high school and get accepted into a college by next summer, I won't be able go. I still want to get a degree in counseling.
I think that's everything. Now I am going to try and force myself to get something done. I still have to unpack and clean my room. I should also eat at some point today. The last meal I had was yesterday afternoon at 1. Bye guys. There's no telling when I will post again.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Our God is an AWESOME God
This Wednesday at church we learned about talking to God and hearing from Him. This wasn't the originally planned lesson for the night, but it's what we all needed so God made it happen in His own special way. The story of how we got to this in class is really cool, but that's not what this post is about. This post is going to be about an exercise we did in class. It was awesome.
Now, I'm going to tell you all how to do it, and I'm going to encourage you all to do so. I know I said this blog is for me, and not really anyone else. But this is cool.
Okay. Prepare yourself. What you're going to do is ask God a question, and anticipate an answer. Are you ready? The question is...God, if you could play any game with me, what would it be? Why? I promise that if you really listen God will give you an answer. When you get that answer, it's awesome.
I know the question may seem a little dumb. Why would God want to play a game with us? Why do we care what game God wants to play with us? But that's not the point. The point is, God DOES talk to us.
In class, we all shared our answers. How do we know our answers are from God? Simple. Three people got the same answer, and all of us were confused by our answer until God gave us the why.
If you read this, and you got an answer, I would love to hear about it. :) Now I believe I'm going to continue swimming and tanning. Goodbye, and have a blessed day. Love you all.
Now, I'm going to tell you all how to do it, and I'm going to encourage you all to do so. I know I said this blog is for me, and not really anyone else. But this is cool.
Okay. Prepare yourself. What you're going to do is ask God a question, and anticipate an answer. Are you ready? The question is...God, if you could play any game with me, what would it be? Why? I promise that if you really listen God will give you an answer. When you get that answer, it's awesome.
I know the question may seem a little dumb. Why would God want to play a game with us? Why do we care what game God wants to play with us? But that's not the point. The point is, God DOES talk to us.
In class, we all shared our answers. How do we know our answers are from God? Simple. Three people got the same answer, and all of us were confused by our answer until God gave us the why.
If you read this, and you got an answer, I would love to hear about it. :) Now I believe I'm going to continue swimming and tanning. Goodbye, and have a blessed day. Love you all.
That Wonderful ACT Test...
I recently got back my scores from my third ACT test. They were awful.
Now, I say they were awful. But were they really? No. Compared to most people's scores, they were great. But I'm not comparing my scores to other people's. I'm comparing them to what I need. Based on the 31 that I must have, they were awful.
Why is it that I need a 31? There are TONS of people who go to college with MUCH lower scores. But it's simple. Those people are one or more of the following.
-Poor
-Rich
-Musically gifted
-Athletically gifted
-Really good at writing essays for scholarships
-Willing to take out student loans
-Going to a college that gives academic scholarships for lower ACT scores
-Many other things that I'm not
So here's my problem. I am none of this. The only category that I may end up falling into is going to a different college. But I really don't want to. I want to go to Lee.
People are always talking about how great the financial aid is at the school they're going to. But I already know that I don't qualify. I'm not saying my family is rich. We aren't. But we make enough money to not qualify for any help. I've never really been one for sports or music. So there goes that. My parents have always taught me to stay away from debt. I've also learned from other people how hard it is to pay off student loans, especially if the field you're studying doesn't pay much. So I'm not taking out loans. I've never really been great at writing essays. I know that even with tuition payed r, I'll still need scholarship money for other things, so I'll need to do some of that. But I won't get enough to pay for everything.
All that leaves me with is two options. Get a 31, or go to a different school. If you know of a third, please let me know.
Now, I say they were awful. But were they really? No. Compared to most people's scores, they were great. But I'm not comparing my scores to other people's. I'm comparing them to what I need. Based on the 31 that I must have, they were awful.
Why is it that I need a 31? There are TONS of people who go to college with MUCH lower scores. But it's simple. Those people are one or more of the following.
-Poor
-Rich
-Musically gifted
-Athletically gifted
-Really good at writing essays for scholarships
-Willing to take out student loans
-Going to a college that gives academic scholarships for lower ACT scores
-Many other things that I'm not
So here's my problem. I am none of this. The only category that I may end up falling into is going to a different college. But I really don't want to. I want to go to Lee.
People are always talking about how great the financial aid is at the school they're going to. But I already know that I don't qualify. I'm not saying my family is rich. We aren't. But we make enough money to not qualify for any help. I've never really been one for sports or music. So there goes that. My parents have always taught me to stay away from debt. I've also learned from other people how hard it is to pay off student loans, especially if the field you're studying doesn't pay much. So I'm not taking out loans. I've never really been great at writing essays. I know that even with tuition payed r, I'll still need scholarship money for other things, so I'll need to do some of that. But I won't get enough to pay for everything.
All that leaves me with is two options. Get a 31, or go to a different school. If you know of a third, please let me know.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Mother's Day
Let's start this with a definition.
Mother
A woman exercising control, influence, or authority like that of a mother: to be a mother to someone.
Mother's day is a day to honor and celebrate mothers. But there shouldn't have to be a special day set aside for that. We should honor and celebrate mothers everyday. They do so much for us.
Yesterday I was really thinking about how many people are sad on mothers day. It's a reminder for people who lost their mothers, and mothers who lost their children. It's also a sad day for people who don't have good relationships with their mothers and vice versa.
The only time I saw my mom yesterday was when I passed her on the interstate going the other direction. Other than that, I didn't see her at all. But I still love her. Just because I didn't do anything special for her on Mother's day doesn't mean I love her any less.
Mother's day also made me think of all the wonderful women in my life who have been like moms to me at some point in my life. There have been so many. I greatly appreciate all of them.
This post is kind of short, but oh we'll. That's really all I have to say on the matter as of right now.
Mother
A woman exercising control, influence, or authority like that of a mother: to be a mother to someone.
Mother's day is a day to honor and celebrate mothers. But there shouldn't have to be a special day set aside for that. We should honor and celebrate mothers everyday. They do so much for us.
Yesterday I was really thinking about how many people are sad on mothers day. It's a reminder for people who lost their mothers, and mothers who lost their children. It's also a sad day for people who don't have good relationships with their mothers and vice versa.
The only time I saw my mom yesterday was when I passed her on the interstate going the other direction. Other than that, I didn't see her at all. But I still love her. Just because I didn't do anything special for her on Mother's day doesn't mean I love her any less.
Mother's day also made me think of all the wonderful women in my life who have been like moms to me at some point in my life. There have been so many. I greatly appreciate all of them.
This post is kind of short, but oh we'll. That's really all I have to say on the matter as of right now.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Need a break?
So if you read my last post, you're probably a little tired of reading. So here's a picture :) I love reading, writing, taking pictures, and posting pictures. Enjoy.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Depression
Before I start this post, I thought it might be a good idea to put a definition of depression. I've been really into definitions lately.
Depression - a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.
to make sad or gloomy; lower in spirits; deject; dispirit.
On Wednesday (5-2-2012) I woke up and about 2 hours later I had somehow become really depressed. There wasn't really anything to set it off. I guess I was just thinking about a lot of stuff, and it made me sad.
Depression isn't new to me. I've struggled with it most of my life. When I was a lot younger, I had a lot more problems. It's gotten much better as I've gotten older. I haven't had to deal with it a lot for the past couple years.
I wouldn't say I've ever been severely depressed. I've known people who had it a lot worse than me. Depression has never caused me to consider suicide, self-harm, drinking, drugs, etc. Its never made me want to completely shut the world out. I've never done anything crazy. But that probably has a lot to do with the fact that anytime I've ever been depressed, I dealt with it immediately.
When I was little and used to become depressed, my mom would notice and would take me to a counselor. My depression then was mostly caused by over worrying about everything. As I got older, I somehow developed a habit of not telling anyone anything. I still have this habit. There are a few people who I tell some things to, but there's still a lot I keep inside. This has meant that when I do become depressed, I have to deal with it myself. I don't tell anyone what's wrong, and people don't notice because I've become so good at hiding it. This brings me to my second way of dealing with it. (The first was my mom taking me to a counselor.)
Before I go on, I just want to add that I feel like this is going to be a really long post. I'm only about halfway through with the backstory. I haven't even started on what happened more recently. But this is just me. When I have something to say, writing is my favorite way to say it. When I write, I just keep writing and writing and writing. I say whatever comes to mind. I'm nothing like this in real life. The reason being, I can always erase what I write, but not what I say. Anyway, back to the topic of this post.
The second way of dealing with depression is Jesus. Jesus has always been there for me. If it wasn't for Him, I know I wouldn't be here today. He has saved my life many times. When it feels like no one is there for me, I know I can always turn to Him.
So. Back to Wednesday. I believe I know what the major point of my depression was. I got to thinking, and when that happens, it doesn't normally turn out good for me. I've always had this idea in my mind that I have to be perfect in everything I do. I don't know why I'm like this, but I am. So on Wednesday it hit me that I wasn't even close to perfect. Now, I know nobody is perfect. But I try to be. The thing that really put me over the edge was thinking about school.
When it comes to school, things get complicated. I'm really good at school. I just don't like doing it. I don't know why. I'm a junior this year. That means I'm almost a senior in high school. I'm going to have to start getting ready for college. Honestly, the thought of that scares the crap out of me. Growing up used to sound so exciting, but now that it's so close, I don't feel ready. That's what scared me.
I want to go to Lee, but the only way I can do that is if I get a full academic scholarship. That's a 31 on my ACT. I have a 26 right now. (or at least until my latest score comes in) That sounds good to most people, but it's not a 31, so I'm not happy with it. If I don't get a 31, I can't go to Lee. Then I don't know what I'll do.
I've had myself convinced that I could get that 31. Recently I was talking with my friends, and they were telling me about all these people they knew who only had like 10's, 12's, 16's, etc. to them, anything over a 20 is great. If most people can barely get over a 20, what makes me think I can get a 31? Maybe it's not as easy as I always thought it would be.
So that started making me depressed. Then, like all depressed people, every negative thing I've ever been told or thought about myself starts coming to mind. And I believe all these things. The truth is, most of them are true. But that doesn't define who I am. We all have problems. Areas in our life that aren't as good as we would like them to be, or as they should be. But that doesn't mean we are all bad people, or failures.
We are all able to receive grace from a loving God. He makes us new. Through Jesus, we have freedom from the bondages of sin and failure. He loves us no matter what. This is what we have to hold on to when we have bad days.
Now, towards the end this post was probably starting to seem scattered. That's mostly due to the fact that I wrote this over a period of 3 days. It's also because I just typed as I thought, and I'm too lazy to read over it and make sense of it.
So there you have. Sorry if it's too long for you. But I didn't write it for you. I wrote it for me. Honestly, I feel so much better now that I've got it all out.
Peace and Love to you all,
Sierra Rose <3
Depression - a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and more prolonged than that warranted by any objective reason.
to make sad or gloomy; lower in spirits; deject; dispirit.
On Wednesday (5-2-2012) I woke up and about 2 hours later I had somehow become really depressed. There wasn't really anything to set it off. I guess I was just thinking about a lot of stuff, and it made me sad.
Depression isn't new to me. I've struggled with it most of my life. When I was a lot younger, I had a lot more problems. It's gotten much better as I've gotten older. I haven't had to deal with it a lot for the past couple years.
I wouldn't say I've ever been severely depressed. I've known people who had it a lot worse than me. Depression has never caused me to consider suicide, self-harm, drinking, drugs, etc. Its never made me want to completely shut the world out. I've never done anything crazy. But that probably has a lot to do with the fact that anytime I've ever been depressed, I dealt with it immediately.
When I was little and used to become depressed, my mom would notice and would take me to a counselor. My depression then was mostly caused by over worrying about everything. As I got older, I somehow developed a habit of not telling anyone anything. I still have this habit. There are a few people who I tell some things to, but there's still a lot I keep inside. This has meant that when I do become depressed, I have to deal with it myself. I don't tell anyone what's wrong, and people don't notice because I've become so good at hiding it. This brings me to my second way of dealing with it. (The first was my mom taking me to a counselor.)
Before I go on, I just want to add that I feel like this is going to be a really long post. I'm only about halfway through with the backstory. I haven't even started on what happened more recently. But this is just me. When I have something to say, writing is my favorite way to say it. When I write, I just keep writing and writing and writing. I say whatever comes to mind. I'm nothing like this in real life. The reason being, I can always erase what I write, but not what I say. Anyway, back to the topic of this post.
The second way of dealing with depression is Jesus. Jesus has always been there for me. If it wasn't for Him, I know I wouldn't be here today. He has saved my life many times. When it feels like no one is there for me, I know I can always turn to Him.
So. Back to Wednesday. I believe I know what the major point of my depression was. I got to thinking, and when that happens, it doesn't normally turn out good for me. I've always had this idea in my mind that I have to be perfect in everything I do. I don't know why I'm like this, but I am. So on Wednesday it hit me that I wasn't even close to perfect. Now, I know nobody is perfect. But I try to be. The thing that really put me over the edge was thinking about school.
When it comes to school, things get complicated. I'm really good at school. I just don't like doing it. I don't know why. I'm a junior this year. That means I'm almost a senior in high school. I'm going to have to start getting ready for college. Honestly, the thought of that scares the crap out of me. Growing up used to sound so exciting, but now that it's so close, I don't feel ready. That's what scared me.
I want to go to Lee, but the only way I can do that is if I get a full academic scholarship. That's a 31 on my ACT. I have a 26 right now. (or at least until my latest score comes in) That sounds good to most people, but it's not a 31, so I'm not happy with it. If I don't get a 31, I can't go to Lee. Then I don't know what I'll do.
I've had myself convinced that I could get that 31. Recently I was talking with my friends, and they were telling me about all these people they knew who only had like 10's, 12's, 16's, etc. to them, anything over a 20 is great. If most people can barely get over a 20, what makes me think I can get a 31? Maybe it's not as easy as I always thought it would be.
So that started making me depressed. Then, like all depressed people, every negative thing I've ever been told or thought about myself starts coming to mind. And I believe all these things. The truth is, most of them are true. But that doesn't define who I am. We all have problems. Areas in our life that aren't as good as we would like them to be, or as they should be. But that doesn't mean we are all bad people, or failures.
We are all able to receive grace from a loving God. He makes us new. Through Jesus, we have freedom from the bondages of sin and failure. He loves us no matter what. This is what we have to hold on to when we have bad days.
Now, towards the end this post was probably starting to seem scattered. That's mostly due to the fact that I wrote this over a period of 3 days. It's also because I just typed as I thought, and I'm too lazy to read over it and make sense of it.
So there you have. Sorry if it's too long for you. But I didn't write it for you. I wrote it for me. Honestly, I feel so much better now that I've got it all out.
Peace and Love to you all,
Sierra Rose <3
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Why Blog?
Okay, so this is going to be my first post that actually says something important.
The title of this post is "Why Blog?" It should be pretty obvious what it's going to be about.
Now, taking into consideration my popularity level, I'll be surprised if I get more than 5 views on any blog for the duration of my life. But I don't care. I'm not blogging for any of you. Sorry, but it's true. It's really more of a journal for me that anyone can read if they want. If you do happen to be someone who somehow ends up reading this, I'd love to know about it :)
So the reason for me blogging is...life is frustrating. When I get frustrated, what I really want to do it tell people about why I'm frustrated. The only problem is, I'm having a hard time lately finding someone to listen. So I just figured I'd tell the world, and anyone can read about it if they want to.
Now, this may sound a little "life is awful"-ish. But that's just because I've had a rough day. Some days I'm really up beat and happy. I'll probably blog about those days too. Life isn't always depressing :)
The reason I'm blogging instead of just writing in a journal is because I find it much easier to write about life if I feel like I'm writing to somebody.
So there you have it. All the reasons why I'm doing this. My next post will probably be about my day today or something. There's no telling when I'll write it. Maybe in the next hour. Maybe tomorrow. Or next week. Or next month. Who knows. Until then, don't worry. Be happy :)
The title of this post is "Why Blog?" It should be pretty obvious what it's going to be about.
Now, taking into consideration my popularity level, I'll be surprised if I get more than 5 views on any blog for the duration of my life. But I don't care. I'm not blogging for any of you. Sorry, but it's true. It's really more of a journal for me that anyone can read if they want. If you do happen to be someone who somehow ends up reading this, I'd love to know about it :)
So the reason for me blogging is...life is frustrating. When I get frustrated, what I really want to do it tell people about why I'm frustrated. The only problem is, I'm having a hard time lately finding someone to listen. So I just figured I'd tell the world, and anyone can read about it if they want to.
Now, this may sound a little "life is awful"-ish. But that's just because I've had a rough day. Some days I'm really up beat and happy. I'll probably blog about those days too. Life isn't always depressing :)
The reason I'm blogging instead of just writing in a journal is because I find it much easier to write about life if I feel like I'm writing to somebody.
So there you have it. All the reasons why I'm doing this. My next post will probably be about my day today or something. There's no telling when I'll write it. Maybe in the next hour. Maybe tomorrow. Or next week. Or next month. Who knows. Until then, don't worry. Be happy :)
First Blog
This is going to be short, sweet, and to the point.
I finally started a blog!!! Whoo-hoo!!! This is something I've been meaning to get around to for a loooong time. I'll post a longer blog sometime soon, but right now this is the best I can do :) I just wanted to get the first post done and out of the way. The next one will be longer and more thought out. Have a good day :)
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