In the past hour I have deleted Facebook and Twitter. I'm not really dealing with it all that well. I did it because I knew I had too. It's time for a change.
Since I've been home from Mexico I have been dealing with depression. I've had depression on and off since I was about 7, so this is nothing new to me. I don't really think there was anything in Mexico that has made me depressed, and me not being in Mexico isn't the reason I'm depressed, even though that's what I've been saying. While it is true that I do really miss Mexico and want to go back, there's a lot more going on.
Any time I get depressed it seems like everything gets thrown at me all at once. I've had problems with friends, school, family, and my relationship with God all at once this past week. All of these things have been personal issue. Not things everyone else has to deal with. They're all things I have to deal with on my own. All of my friendships, except one, have fallen apart. School has been stressing me out an insane amount because I don't believe in myself and I don't think I can do it. I haven't been close to my family in a while because I feel like they don't understand me, and because they just haven't been around much. It's just all about work for everyone.
And now for the big one. My relationship with God. I wouldn't say it's gotten a lot worse and I feel farther from him than I ever have before. I think it's more that now I know what I could have with Him, but for some reason I don't. I don't understand why either. I honestly have no idea why everyone around me seems to be closer to God than I am. It makes me feel farther away from Him.
All of this, plus a few other small things, led me to my decision to delete Facebook and Twitter. They aren't helping me in any way. If anything, they are making things worse.
Tonight at Youth I just got to the point where I honestly couldn't even force myself to smile. I managed to smile a few times just so people wouldn't be concerned, but it took all of my energy and now I am emotionally and mentally exhausted. I've already cried some since I've been home, and I'll probably cry some more.
I'm going to use this time away from the world to be in God's presence, and I plan to stay there until I am no longer depressed at all. I will probably update my blog a lot more often during this time. So goodbye for now.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Friday, July 27, 2012
You have stolen my heart...
So I recently got back from a mission trip to Mexico. It wasn't my first mission trip, or my first time put of the country, or my first time on a plane. It was my first time doing all of these things together.
I don't know if I could find the words to describe this trip. It was so amazing. I loved every part of it. Some of the bathrooms weren't so great, but that doesn't matter. We're too spoiled in America anyway.
I'm not quite sure how to write this post, but I know that I have to. I think I'll just list some of the major things that were so much better in Ixmiquilpan than they are in America.
-The people. Yes, there were some people who weren't as nice as others, and there are people in America who are really nice. But the hearts of the people there are like nothing I've ever experienced. They love you no matter what, and are willing to do anything for you.
-The weather. Sure, there are places in America where there is nice weather. But here in Cleveland, TN, the weather is awful right now. Hot and humid all day and night. Down there, I think I sweat like once, and that was when I got into a hot car. I was also rarely cold.
-The driving. Sure, driving laws are nice and helpful and they keep people safe, but riding in the back of a truck whenever and wherever was absolutely incredible. The view is much better too.
-God's presence. I don't know what it was, but the presence of God seemed so much stronger there. Maybe it's just because America, even in church, is so caught up on worldly things that we sometimes miss when God shows up.
-"Mexico Time." in Mexico, being on time is never important. In America, being on time is extremely important. I'm one of those people that tries to be on time, but I usually fail at it. So being in a place where no one cared if you were a few hours late was a nice change :)
-The view. I know in Tennessee we have pretty mountains, but to me, Ixmiquilpan is waaaay prettier. Everywhere you look there is an incredible view. The pictures can't even begin to show how beautiful it is.
I think I covered most of it. That's all the stuff about Mexico. My other favorite part was getting to know all of the people who I went with. There are a countless number of inside jokes that we all have now. Mexico and the people there have stolen most of my heart, but the people who I came back with have each taken a piece of what's remaining, and I have found it to be very difficult to be away from them.
Being home hasn't been much fun. I've been so used to having people around at all times, but right now I'm all alone.
Most of my family is working, and my sister took my car and has been gone all day. Even when they are here it's not the same. They haven't experienced everything I have, and it's hard because they don't understand. None of my family has the same heart for missions that I do. I know that there is nothing wrong with that. Not everyone is supposed to be a missionary. They each have their own special gifts and talents, and they do a great job of using them in America. But I don't. I'm one of those people that gets too comfortable and doesn't want to do anything. I was so much better in
Mexico.
All I want to do is anything that will get me back there. Work to save money, practice Spanish, spend more time getting to know God so I can learn to listen to His voice better. And do school. I know that if I don't graduate high school and get accepted into a college by next summer, I won't be able go. I still want to get a degree in counseling.
I think that's everything. Now I am going to try and force myself to get something done. I still have to unpack and clean my room. I should also eat at some point today. The last meal I had was yesterday afternoon at 1. Bye guys. There's no telling when I will post again.
I don't know if I could find the words to describe this trip. It was so amazing. I loved every part of it. Some of the bathrooms weren't so great, but that doesn't matter. We're too spoiled in America anyway.
I'm not quite sure how to write this post, but I know that I have to. I think I'll just list some of the major things that were so much better in Ixmiquilpan than they are in America.
-The people. Yes, there were some people who weren't as nice as others, and there are people in America who are really nice. But the hearts of the people there are like nothing I've ever experienced. They love you no matter what, and are willing to do anything for you.
-The weather. Sure, there are places in America where there is nice weather. But here in Cleveland, TN, the weather is awful right now. Hot and humid all day and night. Down there, I think I sweat like once, and that was when I got into a hot car. I was also rarely cold.
-The driving. Sure, driving laws are nice and helpful and they keep people safe, but riding in the back of a truck whenever and wherever was absolutely incredible. The view is much better too.
-God's presence. I don't know what it was, but the presence of God seemed so much stronger there. Maybe it's just because America, even in church, is so caught up on worldly things that we sometimes miss when God shows up.
-"Mexico Time." in Mexico, being on time is never important. In America, being on time is extremely important. I'm one of those people that tries to be on time, but I usually fail at it. So being in a place where no one cared if you were a few hours late was a nice change :)
-The view. I know in Tennessee we have pretty mountains, but to me, Ixmiquilpan is waaaay prettier. Everywhere you look there is an incredible view. The pictures can't even begin to show how beautiful it is.
I think I covered most of it. That's all the stuff about Mexico. My other favorite part was getting to know all of the people who I went with. There are a countless number of inside jokes that we all have now. Mexico and the people there have stolen most of my heart, but the people who I came back with have each taken a piece of what's remaining, and I have found it to be very difficult to be away from them.
Being home hasn't been much fun. I've been so used to having people around at all times, but right now I'm all alone.
Most of my family is working, and my sister took my car and has been gone all day. Even when they are here it's not the same. They haven't experienced everything I have, and it's hard because they don't understand. None of my family has the same heart for missions that I do. I know that there is nothing wrong with that. Not everyone is supposed to be a missionary. They each have their own special gifts and talents, and they do a great job of using them in America. But I don't. I'm one of those people that gets too comfortable and doesn't want to do anything. I was so much better in
Mexico.
All I want to do is anything that will get me back there. Work to save money, practice Spanish, spend more time getting to know God so I can learn to listen to His voice better. And do school. I know that if I don't graduate high school and get accepted into a college by next summer, I won't be able go. I still want to get a degree in counseling.
I think that's everything. Now I am going to try and force myself to get something done. I still have to unpack and clean my room. I should also eat at some point today. The last meal I had was yesterday afternoon at 1. Bye guys. There's no telling when I will post again.
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