Sometimes it's too hard to smile...

In the past hour I have deleted Facebook and Twitter. I'm not really dealing with it all that well. I did it because I knew I had too. It's time for a change.

Since I've been home from Mexico I have been dealing with depression. I've had depression on and off since I was about 7, so this is nothing new to me. I don't really think there was anything in Mexico that has made me depressed, and me not being in Mexico isn't the reason I'm depressed, even though that's what I've been saying. While it is true that I do really miss Mexico and want to go back, there's a lot more going on.

Any time I get depressed it seems like everything gets thrown at me all at once. I've had problems with friends, school, family, and my relationship with God all at once this past week. All of these things have been personal issue. Not things everyone else has to deal with. They're all things I have to deal with on my own. All of my friendships, except one, have fallen apart. School has been stressing me out an insane amount because I don't believe in myself and I don't think I can do it. I haven't been close to my family in a while because I feel like they don't understand me, and because they just haven't been around much. It's just all about work for everyone.

And now for the big one. My relationship with God. I wouldn't say it's gotten a lot worse and I feel farther from him than I ever have before. I think it's more that now I know what I could have with Him, but for some reason I don't. I don't understand why either. I honestly have no idea why everyone around me seems to be closer to God than I am. It makes me feel farther away from Him.

All of this, plus a few other small things, led me to my decision to delete Facebook and Twitter. They aren't helping me in any way. If anything, they are making things worse.

Tonight at Youth I just got to the point where I honestly couldn't even force myself to smile. I managed to smile a few times just so people wouldn't be concerned, but it took all of my energy and now I am emotionally and mentally exhausted. I've already cried some since I've been home, and I'll probably cry some more.

I'm going to use this time away from the world to be in God's presence, and I plan to stay there until I am no longer depressed at all. I will probably update my blog a lot more often during this time. So goodbye for now.