Does Anyone Really Know Me?

Why am I writing this post? I don't know. It's 2am, and I have to get up in 6 hours because I have to dog sit tomorrow. But I really feel like writing right now, so I'm just going to have to get over it.

Last night and all day today I got to hang out with my best friend. That was great. I really needed to spend some good time with her. So that part of my day was good. But, me being me, there were some bad parts about the day. I came to a few realizations. Some old things that I've realized a million times, but a couple new things.

First, today was one of those days where I was beating myself up inside all day for the stupid things I've done. I'm pretty sure everyone has days like this. So basically, half of the day I was just reminding myself that I'm a failure. But this isn't a new thing for me.

I also came to a realization about guys. I've learned recently that there ARE a few good guys out there. But the thing that I just realized today is that just because I meet a great guy, that does NOT mean he is the one for me. Other girls deserve great guys too. Obviously I knew I wasn't the only person who needed the "perfect guy," but for some reason I have always had the mind set that when I found a great guy, then he was great for me. I don't know why I think that. Maybe I watched to many Disney movies as a kid, and too many Hallmark movies as a teenager.

The big thing I realized today, and the reason for the title of this post, is that no one really knows me. Sure, my best friend knows a lot about me, and she knows most of who I am, but she doesn't know all of me. There are some things about my life that I haven't been able to tell anyone(except God. I don't know what I would do without Him). But no one else knows even half the stuff that my best friend knows. Very few people know anything about me other than surface stuff, like what my car looks like and what color my ceiling is. I'm not just talking about random people either. I'm talking about my "friends." But why doesn't anyone know anything about me? I know a lot about my friends. Their likes, dislikes, struggles, past, what they want to do with their future, etc. Why do I know so much about them, and they know nothing about me? For the most part, I'm pretty open with people that I know. It doesn't take much to get into a serious conversation with me. So I've come up with what I think is the answer. No one cares. Depressing, right? No one cares enough about me to ask who I am. To really ask, and to really want to know.

I just had a thought. I wonder if God ever feels this way? Like people aren't interested in getting to know who He really is. What's on His heart. What He has planned for your future. What He thinks of your past and the person you are today. Like no one cares enough to take the time and get to know more than "surface stuff." I know I can be that way. Like "Okay God. I know You're the Creator of the whole universe and You care about me. I've been told that You like to hear about my day and You want me to ask You to supply all of my needs, so here's my list for today. Thanks for blah blah and blah. You also like when people sing about You, so here are a couple songs I can sing along with that talk about how great You are." All of that may sound a little dumb, but surely some people can relate to that. I know I've done it. Maybe I'm the only one. Now, I'm not saying that anyone who has a relationship with God like what I just described is a horrible person and is going to Hell. But don't you like the relationship you have with your best friend more than the relationships with your regular friends? That closeness that can never be separated. Knowing everything about each other and enjoying spending time together. Isn't that much better than just kinda knowing and (for the most part) liking someone? I think it is. And imagine how much greater it is with God.

This post has totally turned from what it was originally going to say. It also took much longer to write than I thought it would. Tonight at youth someone was praying for me and asked if I was a writer. My response was "a little bit, sometimes." It's a very accurate response. I go through spurts with writing. Sometimes I absolutely love it and want to write all the time. Other times I hate it and don't want to write at all ever. But isn't it weird that she would ask that while I'm going through this time when I love to write? Writing really helps me to sort through my feelings. Just in writing this post I got a revelation about relationships with God. Maybe I should write more than I do.

To end this post I'll list a few small things I realized today, even though I already knew them.
1. I look really good with curly hair
2. The show "Lost" scares me half to death and I shouldn't watch it ever because once I start watching it I can't stop, so I get even more scared
3. My dog needs to learn to calm down in the middle of the night
4. My dad is a great chef and makes amazing fish tacos
5. My dad shouldn't go grocery shopping because he buys more food than we have space for in our 2 fridge's and 5 freezers

"No One Loves Me"

I feel like I should update my blog now, even though it doesn't really matter because I know that no one reads it. But that's okay. Other than Instagram, this is the only online place I have to say anything. So I'm writing because I have to write something somewhere.

Since hitting rock bottom last week, I've been doing much better. I'm nowhere near where I need to be or where I want to be, but I'm better. I really believe deleting Facebook and Twitter was a great idea. I've considered deleting them before, but I could always find a million reasons why I "couldn't." This time, though, I didn't give myself time to come up with any reasons. I just knew I wanted them gone, and gone they were.

I have made a list of very large goals that I must achieve if I ever want Facebook and Twitter back. These goals cover every area of life-education, health, life, relationship, God, etc. I'm striving towards these goals whether I get them back or not. I've had them in the back of my mind for a loooong time, but I never really gave an effort towards achieving them. Now I've been slowly working towards all of them, while still trying to find other distractions to remove from my life.

Now, as for the title of this post. I decided on it because it's something I've heard a lot from people lately. Let me enlighten all (none) of you with some truth here-there ARE people who love you. Lots of people. I promise. I know that it sometimes may seem like we have no one who really cares about us, but trust me, someone somewhere loves you very much, and in 99.9% of cases, there are an over abundance of someones. I don't really have the answer for why it sometimes really does feel like no one loves us. Maybe someday I will have that answer. Or at the very least a theory. I seem to be pretty good a coming up with theories about stuff. But right now, I really don't know, as I am in the place where it seems like no one loves me. No one cares.

I hope to write again soon, but I really don't know when I will write again. I can only write when I'm in a writing mood, and those come and go like the storms we've been having lately around here. If it wasn't 1AM I can think of several topics to write on right now. But I'm not going to write about all of them. I MIGHT end up writing one. But I think I'll just go to bed, or read a book. If anyone is reading this, then adios bye and God Bless You.